33 weeks and counting

Today marks 33 weeks 2 days, and I am amazed at how far we have come. I really thought every day after 29 weeks would feel like a victory - and in many ways they do, but they also come with exhaustion, aching ribs, more and more peeing, more indigestion, and more exhaustion. I really thought I would relish every day, and while I am excited to still be pregnant and to know that this baby boy is getting a better start than his brother by staying in utero longer - I still have 7 weeks to go and that feels like a LONG time.

We had another growth scan today - looks like Rowan is growing quite well - estimates are that he weighs approximately 5lbs already. I sure believe it - he feels enormous in my belly. He was practice breathing and kicking around a ton. He has some days that are really active and others that are less so. It is on those less active days that I end up doing a lot of poking and prodding to make sure he is still okay in there.

So many things that I never experienced with Aidan are starting to happen with Rowan. My lungs feel quite compressed so that reading bedtime stories and walking up and down the stairs is quite a feat! I can't bend over to save my life. I find I use my feet to pick things up that I have dropped and avoid having to squat down to get things as much as possible. My stomach is getting more squashed as the days go by, so I can eat less and less at a time. Some days I really don't even feel hungry most of the day - but know I have to eat.

I am doing another urine collection this weekend to see how the protein situation is progressing, hoping it still in the 500 milligram range and that we can keep skating along as we have been for awhile now!

Anyhow - the long and the short of it is that we are still pregnant, excited for how far we have come, and still have a long way to go.

29 weeks 4 days

I can hardly believe we are here. This is the day, during my last pregnancy, that Aidan was born. I was very sick, severely swollen, and not well. Thankfully Aidan was quite healthy and did so well. It is strange almost, to be at this point, to be so healthy this time, and to know that tomorrow, and every day after, I will be the most pregnant I have ever been!

Things are going quite well, Rowan is growing beautifully, my blood pressure is great, and we are just trucking right along. I am hopeful to have some ultrasound pictures from next week to post. I am doing another 24 hour urine collection this weekend and will have an ultrasound and all my test results next Thursday - hoping things continue to go smoothly - as I would really like to make it to mid September if at all possible!

Here is a picture from a couple of weeks ago - 27 weeks I believe. I will take a new picture at 30 weeks and post here!

24 weeks

Here we are at 24 weeks (HOORAY for viability!) - my first belly shot (sorry Linds) - and feeling good! I saw the doc last week and while the protein in my urine is slowly increasing, my blood pressure and everything else looks GREAT - so we are just waiting and watching to make sure we keep tabs on everything.

I feel really wonderful - although huge, and am trying to enjoy as much of this pregnancy as I can. I can hardly believe we are just a mere 5 weeks from the time when we had Aidan - it just doesn't seem possible. I have had some hip and low back pain - but look at the size of that belly, it is no wonder.

We are getting ready for Rowan's arrival and have the majority of the big stuff purchased, just need a car seat and I need to sew A LOT more diapers. But it won't be happening this weekend - we are off to Lagoon with Dylan's cousin and his wife for the weekend - and I am really looking forward to it. Aidan has never been before, and I think he is going to have a blast. It won't be quite warm enough for the water park - but there is plenty at the amusement park to keep us busy. And it will be nice enough that we won't be so hot and miserable spending the whole day there! I will make sure and take some pics to post. Can't wait to see what Aidan thinks. And I am very happy that we are going with Jared and Kari so Dylan has someone to ride the roller coasters with since I am really not in a position to do that this time! We haven't had a chance to spend much time with Jared and Kari since their wedding, so it will be nice to catch up with them and get to know her a little better!

Arm Bones

Sucking his thumb

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19 weeks

Yesterday marked the start of my 19th week of pregnancy. It was also the day that we were able to see our baby in great detail. We had our anatomy scan where everything looks beautiful! And we learned that we will be having another boy. I really thought this was a girl just based on how much more nauseous I was and how different I felt. And deep in my heart i thought if it was a girl it might also mean a different outcome. But as soon as we saw it was a boy - I was ecstatic. I can't wait to meet him and see how he looks like Dylan, Aidan, and I.

So far so good - all is well health-wise - so we go back June 1st for a followup.

17 weeks

How things have changed in four weeks. After my late March appt - I felt very disappointed. My doctor was not listening to my questions, was not on the same page as me, and very go with the flow when I felt like we needed to be more proactive. At long last I sought a second opinion and found a dr who is on the same page as me. He wants to make a plan based on info not gut feelings and hopes. I felt such a sense of relief after meeting with him. Along with the info though, comes apprehension. While we have no baseline blood work or urinalysis - we have started monitoring them both. My kidney function is really great - which is encouraging! However, there is some protein in my urine - 310mg per 24 hours to be exact. This is above the level considered to be significant proteinuria. But who knows - maybe I have always had some protein in my urine - we have nothing else to draw from to know. Anyhow, the anxiety associated with the info has been a little hard to manage. I am trying to do some deep breathing, realizing that I can only manage today and be as healthy as I can today.

Two weeks till we find out if it is a boy or girl - I am excited to know - and my instinct is girl - we shall see!

13 weeks

Here we are on our way to another baby! We started trying in July of 2010 and in January found out we were pregnant!

Dr Hodges said we would start heparin right after we determined that the pregnancy was intrauterine. So I has serial hcg tests until my level was over 5000. Then we had an ultrasound and found one intrauterine gestational sac.

Then he said we would start the heparin after we determined it was a viable embryo - so two weeks later we had another ultrasound and saw a strong heartbeat!

Then he said that the recommendations were to start heparin between 10 and 12 weeks. So we waited. And at my next appointment he indicated that since I don't have any clotting disorders it was not advisable to use heparin therapy.

How did we get from there to here? I asked why the changes in plan and he said he spoke with maternal fetal medicine docs and this was their decision. So I asked for a referral to speak with the MFM docs. I saw one two weeks later and we had a great discussion. A lot of the discussion centered around what we went through with Aidan, and then what tests we had done that indicated heparin therapy would be of benefit. At the conclusion, he said he would investigate the test performed, who Dr Hodges spoke with that indicated heparin was indicated, and what the plan would be going forward.

I have an appt tomorrow with Dr Hodges and a whole host of questions for him. But really, I feel very confident about this pregnancy and this baby! I am healthier, drinking lots more water, exercising more than ever before, and taking my baby aspirin religiously! While I can't say I won't get HELLP again - I feel confident that this will be a much healthier pregnancy. It is already much different from my pregnancy with Aidan where I had little morning sickness - this one has been BAD. I feel like I am starting to show already, and I am very excited. Can't wait until May so we can find out if Aidan is going to have a brother or a sister. I won't lie - I am a little nervous, a little apprehensive as we get closer to 29 weeks. But I will continue to do everything in my power to stay healthy and listen to my body!

Obsession

My husband would tell you that I am obsessed with pregnancy - with normal pregnancies, with premature birth, with babies who made it into this world in a way different than our son. I was loathed to admit it - but I think I am obsessed.

There is this magnetism present any time I find a blog online about a woman who had HELLP, a woman who is pregnant after difficulties and is having a healthy pregnancy, babies who were born early and are doing well. I think it is my way of finding hope; hope that I can do it again, be healthy, give birth rather than finding out that I had a baby after the fact, and not spend time in the NICU.

Our son is an amazing miracle - and only gets better with every day. But I worry - I wonder - is it fair to chance another preemie, with lung issues that results in health issues for the rest of their life? Is it fair to ask my husband and son to risk so much for a brother or sister - risk their wife, their mother? Do I want another baby or another pregnancy? Do I really think that I can have a 'normal' pregnancy? I think that after everything that happened, I would be lying if I said that I thought I could get pregnant and not worry about every twinge, every pain, anything that might indicate I was getting sick again. And yet - I still have to try - I want that opportunity - I want Aidan to have a sibling - I want our family to grow.

I see my OB in April, and will start the discussion of what needs to be done before we think about conceiving - when I start the aspirin and heparin etc. I will be interested to know what his thoughts and feelings are on another pregnancy - but I feel confident - I have to - and I am hopeful that things will be in our favor.

Results

After all the phone calls, messages, and finally speaking with my doctor - I got the real story. Which is still very much a story of, "we don't know". We don't know what my abnormal lab value means in the context of day to day life - I don't have a leukemia, so it doesn't mean that my counts are getting worse, I don't have any major clotting disorders, but I do have an increased marker for inflammation. In the context of pregnancy, my abnormal lab value means that I will have to take baby aspirin and heparin injections if we decide to have another baby. It means I have a one in three chance of getting HELLP again, and it means that I have done everything I can to find out my predisposition for HELLP, and now I have a means of "treating" to help avoid the early onset and severe case of HELLP that I had before.

I feel much more at peace with things - much more prepared to face another pregnancy - much more in control of my health. I like that feeling.

My main concerns now rest in not being able to birth a baby. Yes, I can have a baby, but can I actually labor and birth a baby - or will our next pregnancy result in another c-section under general anesthesia, where I don't even know what is going on, am out of it for hours afterwords, and take no part in delivering my child? I know that would upset me. Seems childish - so long as we have a healthy baby that survives, I should be so lucky. And yet, it doesn't seem to be enough.

Will humans never be happy?

Testing 1..2..3

At my six week check up after Aidan was born, I was told multiple times that this was a fluke occurrence, my developing HELLP Syndrome, and that I would be able to go on to have another normal pregnancy when I decided I was ready. I was told that my chances of HELLP again were about 30%, but to expect it would be less severe and come on much later if I were to develop it again. I was told that there was little or no research into why women develop HELLP syndrome - but that I would be monitored closely next time. And since at 6 weeks post delivery I was in no mood to entertain another pregnancy, I didn't pay a lot of attention to what they said.

Fast forward to two years later, and with our son as normal as a two year old can be. The thoughts of another child on the horizon - I looked into things a bit more. Turns out they were wrong. There are reasons that people develop HELLP syndrome, reasons for the hypercoagulation that I experienced. And those reasons are very serious. Don't get me wrong, many women have no underlying reason for their HELLP - but some do. Things like Lupus, Anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome, and genetic mutations that result in increased risk of thrombophilia.

I spoke with my OB, the man who saved my life - and told him my concerns. That while I realize that most women don't have any underlying condition, that I wouldn't feel I had done my best to deter HELLP again if I didn't have blood tests done to see if I have any underlying condition that would put me at increased risk. If I did have something, then there are additional treatments during pregnancy that can help reduce the risk. If I didn't have anything, then I wouldn't do anymore than take a daily aspirin and have increased monitoring throughout any upcoming pregnancy. Instead of taking me seriously, he gave me his best doctor smile and said, "there is no research that indicates additional treatment for unexplained HELLP." and while I didn't think of it at the time, I wish I had turned to him and said something equally as witty like, "there is no research that indicates my HELLP was unexplained." But I didn't I got flustered, I got confused, and I said that I wanted to have the tests for peace of mind - and while that is true, it is a glossing over of the reality which is that I want to know more. I want to find out if there is something wrong, if there was a reason, if I need to do more next time, if I suffered through all of this - the pain, the premature baby, the loss of my pregnancy, and all that emotional trauma for something that could be treated, that could be avoided next time.

He ordered the blood tests to appease me - not because he thinks I am smart enough to do my own research - to come to my own conclusions - to have information that might be worthwhile, but to appease me. So I had the blood tests done. And a few days later his nurse called, she told me most everything was normal. Anti-nuclear antibodies, anti-cardiolipin antibodies, Lupus antibodies, Factor V, most everything. Except for the beta-2 microglobulin, an indicator of inflammation. I asked what that meant in the grand scheme of things, but she wasn't sure. My doctor was out of the office on vacation for a week, and she would make sure he called me when he got back to discuss the interpretation and implications of this abnormal value.

And then I waited.

and waited.

and made phone call after phone call

and waited.

And three weeks later, after many nasty messages give to receptionists that I wasn't angry with - I received a phone call.

On my cell phone, that I left at home.

Figures.

My doctor said he has consulted rheumatologist, maternal fetal medicine specialists, immunologists, etc on this topic, and to rest assured that all is fine. And yet that doesn't ease my soul at all. In fact, it makes me feel like he is patting me on the head and telling me to run along and play. Belittled, written off, made to feel like a hypochondriac. Not a good feeling.

I will attempt to call tomorrow and get ahold of him - see how that goes. And move on from there.

Thank dog for IUD's - I don't have to think about babies for awhile - but when I want to think about having another, I don't want to worry that my fears and feelings and concerns won't be taken seriously.

2 years

It has been over two years since my last post - the post where I explained that Aidan was going to be born 10.5 weeks early, that my pregnancy was over, that life was changing in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. And not only from the perspective of being a new parent - but the perspective of being a new parent to a preemie, a woman whose pregnancy was cut short, who was robbed of the chance to watch her baby grow insider her, to be miserable in those last weeks of pregnancy, to go into labor, and birth her baby as a mother should. I was a mother who was no longer pregnant, who had difficulty coming to terms with that fact, and who felt like she missed out on so many aspects of being a mother. While I had my precious boy - alive, healthy as a 29-weeker can be, and progressing every day in his fight to come home - I was missing something.

This 'loss' if you can call it that - has really had an impact on me. It has made he interested - in an almost obsessive way - with pregnancy, normal and abnormal pregnancy - with labor and delivery, with the thought of another chance at having a normal pregnancy and a full term (or full-er term) baby.

While we have no intentions of having another one anytime soon (think years here) - I have been doing a lot of reading and researching. I plan to post some of that information, as well as the ways in which I go about making myself more informed, more prepared, and healthier - for the second time around. I also hope to use this as a way to vent some of the feelings that I have surrounding my preterm delivery and the ways in which it has changed/affected me.

Delivery Day

I woke up feeling great this morning. Dylan and I had breakfast together and did a crossword puzzle in the book that Stacie brought me. We were laughing and having a good time. It was an uneventful morning so far so Dylan decided at about 10am to run home, check on the dog, get some clothes, clean up, and then come back to the hospital. Shortly after he left, the day nurse came in and said, "have you eaten breakfast already." I had and told her so - just raisin bran and a piece of toast. I asked why - and she told me I was having a c-section in 20 minutes. 20 MINUTES!!!!! Holy cow. I started calling family - Dylan, Melody, my Dad, my Mom, and asked Dylan to call his Dad. They started prepping me for surgery - changed my IV fluids, shaved my belly and pubic area, inserted a catheter, and wheeled me into the c-section OR. I got onto the operating table and started getting prepared for anesthesia. They put the mask over my face and asked me to take 5-6 deep breaths. I did and by the fifth one I could smell the gas. The anesthesiologist asked me if I was getting sleepy - I said, "yessssssssss" and was out. I woke up in recovery with reflux pain and asked for bicitra. The nurse gave me hot packs and the PCA (patient controlled analgesia) button. I hit that a few times and got a nice shot of pain meds - but had to wait for the bicitra for the pain to go away. I snoozed on and off while there and waited for my room to become ready. Mel, my Mom, Dylan, my Dad and Justin, and others came to visit me. They wheeled me in to see Aidan, but I was so groggy and couldn't remember much. They took me again to see him before they wheeled me up to my room on the 8th floor. I touched his feet and watched him - he looked so small and vulnerable.

I got up to my room and slept a little while, then Dylan got comfy on the pull out bed and slept there overnight too. I had some jello and juice and slept on and off through the night.

T minus 1 day and counting...

Friday morning...
I woke up after much unrestful sleep and had my blood drawn and had some breakfast. Not much going on this morning - just waiting more and more waiting. My father-in-law came and visited for awhile which was so nice. We chatted for awhile, and then he went back to work. My dad came up for awhile, and my sister showed up after work. I started to get that reflux again and asked for some pain meds. I got a dose of Nubain, which made me super groggy and drowsy - and it wore off quickly. I got another dose and konked out for awhile. But again the pain came back. So I asked for something to make it go away. They gave me a protonix (acid reflux/GERD drug) and then some Bicitra - my happy medicine. It nutralizes all the acid in your stomach and finally made it all go away! But I was drugged and groggy all afternoon. During that time Dylan's Dad and Stepmom showed up, my sister stayed for awhile, my step sister Stacie showed up to visit and brought me a gift, and our friend Travis showed up for a little bit. Dylan came and stayed the night with me. I got my second shot of steroids and hoped for an uneventful night. The nurse came to draw my blood again and check levels of platelets and red blood cells. As this disease progresses, in addition to protein in my urine, high blood pressure, swelling, and elevated liver enzyme levels, you also get a break down of red blood cells and platelets which can be cause for alarm for internal bleeding. So they were keeping close tabs on me. We'll see what Saturday brings.

How Quickly Things Change

I took my urine and had my blood drawn yesterday with the test results being given to Dr. Hodges today for my appt. I showed up a few minutes early and drank my glucose for the 1hr glucose test for gestational diabetes. I got called into the office and weighed - 176 lbs - and pee'd in the cup. Jodi tested my urine and saw that there was a large amount of protein in it - a hallmark sign of preeclampsia. Then Dr. Hodges came in and asked Jodi to get my test results. We talked a little and she came back with the papers. Dr. Hodges looked at the papers and said, "oh, shit - it's HELLP Syndrome". Instantly I began to cry - knowing that this means we are in a bad spot. He asked if I was okay, and I said "No". He hugged me and cried and said he didn't want this for us - he was hoping it was all overkill to have me go through all these tests, but he was glad he did because we caught something very serious. I asked what was next, and he said I had to be admitted to the hospital. I cried more - this was really scary. He asked me what I was most worried about - I said, the baby, the house payment, the dog - everything. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. He sort of ran through things with me. He said he wanted to keep me pregnant for a couple of days to get steroids on board to help the baby's lungs - but otherwise I wasn't going to be pregnant for long. I asked him to call Dylan and tell him, since I didn't think I could talk on the phone. Dr. Hodges went and called Dylan and I sat there trying to come to terms with things. I was going to have this baby much sooner than I thought - was he going to be okay, would he live, what is his future like. I didn't even consider the fact that my life was in danger due to this illness. It didn't cross my mind.

Dr. Hodges came back and told me what would happen next. I would drive to St Lukes in Boise - go to the second floor and be admitted to labor and delivery. He would fax over orders for admission. Then he would see me in the morning to run blood tests and see how things were progressing. I was scared, but I drove myself to Boise, and got admitted. They did an admission exam and got me settled into Room 8. I called Dylan and let him know and he came to Boise to comfort me and be strong for me. They started me on Magnesium Sulfate to keep me from having seizures due to my high blood pressure, and gave me the first shot of steroids to help Aidan's lungs. They got him on monitors, and he looked great. I laid there wondering what the next few days would bring.

Trip To The ER

Last night Patty and Joe came over with their kids and we had dinner. Dylan met Joe for the first time and they talked computers for quite some time. A while after dinner I started getting pain in my stomach and heartburn feelings and a pain that shoots down my right shoulder to my elbow. It became really painful, similar to a pain I got on Wednesday the 8th at the craft club meeting at Patty's house. I couldn't get the pain go away and Dylan took me to the St Lukes ER in Meridian. I was writhing and crying the whole way there.

We got to the ER and they took my blood pressure - 166/99 - and sent me up to the labor and delivery floor. I was admitted there and put on monitors. The baby was fine, and they took a urine and blood sample. They did a general exam and saw that I had bad swelling, high blood pressure, and epigastric pain. The nurses called the on-call OB and he said if none of my blood or urine levels were out of normal range, then to send me home with an Ambien and tell me to sleep it off. I asked them to call my doctor - Dr. Hodges - but they said they couldn't. Dr. Hodges told me to call him anytime I went to the hospital.

Long story short... I went home to sleep it off and called The Woman's Clinic in the morning. Dr. Hodges doesn't work on Mondays - so I talked to Dr. Lowder - who told me to go take my blood pressure and call back and spend the day on bed rest to make sure that my bp didn't increase. My blood pressure was 142/94. I made an appt with Dr. Hodges for Tuesday morning. At the appointment he asked me to explain what was going on. I replayed the whole story and told him about the pain in my arm. He told me he hoped it was just high blood pressure and reflux, and gave me some reflux meds - but told me we needed to do tests to make sure it wasn't preeclampsia. He told Dylan and I what the best and worst case scenarios were - best being high bp and reflux - worst being HELLP Syndrome and giving birth in a few days. I took home stuff to do a 24 hour urine collection and was scheduled to see him on Thursday anyhow so I am going to take my urine in to St Lukes in Meridian tomorrow and have blood drawn. Until then I am on the couch with Willow.

More to come...

The swelling begins

So I thought I would make it through this pregnancy unscathed, but it turns out my circulation is turning against me. I am fine all day, walking around, teaching classes, sitting at desks, the whole bit - but by the evening, if I don't sit with my feet at the same level as my hips, or lay down with my feet elevated - I end up with Cankles! Where my ankles are not only as big as my calfs - but even mellon shaped, and my little toes swell up like sausages. It is horrible. I don't think Dylan believed me at first, but I pulled off my socks and showed him - and it was obvious that something was seriously out of shape.

Since my blood pressure is still very normal, there is nothing to worry about with the swelling/edema - but it hurts. I am considering trying some pregnancy compression stockings - something to help keep my fluids from pooling in my feet by the end of the day - how sexy can it get!!!!!

I will chat with the doctor about it on March 16th (my next appt) and see what he thinks!

25 weeks - Doctor Update

I went to the doctor yesterday - only gained 4 pounds - YAY! Things are going so smoothly, and Dr. Hodges is so great about making me feel good about how everything is going.

I had to wait about an hour past my appt time - but I found out why - there was a patient who came in, and they couldn't find her baby's heartbeat - they did an emergency ultrasound and found everything to be okay - but it put the whole schedule behind. I didn't mind waiting one bit - because if the same thing happened to us - I would want them to do whatever it took to make sure everything was okay!

I talked to the Dr. about my trip to Washington DC, and he said it would be no problem, just to take a baby asprin the day before and day of travel to avoid blood clots - no problem! We listened to the baby's heartbeat - still in the 150's and measured my belly - we are measuring exactly 25 weeks!!! Everything is great!

I get to do my glucose test next appt, and get a shot of Rhogam, so I don't develop antibodies to Rh factor, since I am Rh negative. Should be fun!

Thats all for now!

Aidan is getting STRONG

Dylan and I were laying in bed this morning, and all of a sudden, I felt Aidan KICK me. Not just the little tumbling and flutters I have felt before- but a true kick. I had Dylan hold his hand on my tummy - but he didn't feel it - so I laid his hand on the bed, and laid on my belly on his hand - then he could feel it. It is amazing to know that our little boy is in there growing bigger and stronger every day! Can't wait to meet him!