Results

After all the phone calls, messages, and finally speaking with my doctor - I got the real story. Which is still very much a story of, "we don't know". We don't know what my abnormal lab value means in the context of day to day life - I don't have a leukemia, so it doesn't mean that my counts are getting worse, I don't have any major clotting disorders, but I do have an increased marker for inflammation. In the context of pregnancy, my abnormal lab value means that I will have to take baby aspirin and heparin injections if we decide to have another baby. It means I have a one in three chance of getting HELLP again, and it means that I have done everything I can to find out my predisposition for HELLP, and now I have a means of "treating" to help avoid the early onset and severe case of HELLP that I had before.

I feel much more at peace with things - much more prepared to face another pregnancy - much more in control of my health. I like that feeling.

My main concerns now rest in not being able to birth a baby. Yes, I can have a baby, but can I actually labor and birth a baby - or will our next pregnancy result in another c-section under general anesthesia, where I don't even know what is going on, am out of it for hours afterwords, and take no part in delivering my child? I know that would upset me. Seems childish - so long as we have a healthy baby that survives, I should be so lucky. And yet, it doesn't seem to be enough.

Will humans never be happy?

Testing 1..2..3

At my six week check up after Aidan was born, I was told multiple times that this was a fluke occurrence, my developing HELLP Syndrome, and that I would be able to go on to have another normal pregnancy when I decided I was ready. I was told that my chances of HELLP again were about 30%, but to expect it would be less severe and come on much later if I were to develop it again. I was told that there was little or no research into why women develop HELLP syndrome - but that I would be monitored closely next time. And since at 6 weeks post delivery I was in no mood to entertain another pregnancy, I didn't pay a lot of attention to what they said.

Fast forward to two years later, and with our son as normal as a two year old can be. The thoughts of another child on the horizon - I looked into things a bit more. Turns out they were wrong. There are reasons that people develop HELLP syndrome, reasons for the hypercoagulation that I experienced. And those reasons are very serious. Don't get me wrong, many women have no underlying reason for their HELLP - but some do. Things like Lupus, Anti-phospholipid antibody syndrome, and genetic mutations that result in increased risk of thrombophilia.

I spoke with my OB, the man who saved my life - and told him my concerns. That while I realize that most women don't have any underlying condition, that I wouldn't feel I had done my best to deter HELLP again if I didn't have blood tests done to see if I have any underlying condition that would put me at increased risk. If I did have something, then there are additional treatments during pregnancy that can help reduce the risk. If I didn't have anything, then I wouldn't do anymore than take a daily aspirin and have increased monitoring throughout any upcoming pregnancy. Instead of taking me seriously, he gave me his best doctor smile and said, "there is no research that indicates additional treatment for unexplained HELLP." and while I didn't think of it at the time, I wish I had turned to him and said something equally as witty like, "there is no research that indicates my HELLP was unexplained." But I didn't I got flustered, I got confused, and I said that I wanted to have the tests for peace of mind - and while that is true, it is a glossing over of the reality which is that I want to know more. I want to find out if there is something wrong, if there was a reason, if I need to do more next time, if I suffered through all of this - the pain, the premature baby, the loss of my pregnancy, and all that emotional trauma for something that could be treated, that could be avoided next time.

He ordered the blood tests to appease me - not because he thinks I am smart enough to do my own research - to come to my own conclusions - to have information that might be worthwhile, but to appease me. So I had the blood tests done. And a few days later his nurse called, she told me most everything was normal. Anti-nuclear antibodies, anti-cardiolipin antibodies, Lupus antibodies, Factor V, most everything. Except for the beta-2 microglobulin, an indicator of inflammation. I asked what that meant in the grand scheme of things, but she wasn't sure. My doctor was out of the office on vacation for a week, and she would make sure he called me when he got back to discuss the interpretation and implications of this abnormal value.

And then I waited.

and waited.

and made phone call after phone call

and waited.

And three weeks later, after many nasty messages give to receptionists that I wasn't angry with - I received a phone call.

On my cell phone, that I left at home.

Figures.

My doctor said he has consulted rheumatologist, maternal fetal medicine specialists, immunologists, etc on this topic, and to rest assured that all is fine. And yet that doesn't ease my soul at all. In fact, it makes me feel like he is patting me on the head and telling me to run along and play. Belittled, written off, made to feel like a hypochondriac. Not a good feeling.

I will attempt to call tomorrow and get ahold of him - see how that goes. And move on from there.

Thank dog for IUD's - I don't have to think about babies for awhile - but when I want to think about having another, I don't want to worry that my fears and feelings and concerns won't be taken seriously.

2 years

It has been over two years since my last post - the post where I explained that Aidan was going to be born 10.5 weeks early, that my pregnancy was over, that life was changing in ways I couldn't even begin to imagine. And not only from the perspective of being a new parent - but the perspective of being a new parent to a preemie, a woman whose pregnancy was cut short, who was robbed of the chance to watch her baby grow insider her, to be miserable in those last weeks of pregnancy, to go into labor, and birth her baby as a mother should. I was a mother who was no longer pregnant, who had difficulty coming to terms with that fact, and who felt like she missed out on so many aspects of being a mother. While I had my precious boy - alive, healthy as a 29-weeker can be, and progressing every day in his fight to come home - I was missing something.

This 'loss' if you can call it that - has really had an impact on me. It has made he interested - in an almost obsessive way - with pregnancy, normal and abnormal pregnancy - with labor and delivery, with the thought of another chance at having a normal pregnancy and a full term (or full-er term) baby.

While we have no intentions of having another one anytime soon (think years here) - I have been doing a lot of reading and researching. I plan to post some of that information, as well as the ways in which I go about making myself more informed, more prepared, and healthier - for the second time around. I also hope to use this as a way to vent some of the feelings that I have surrounding my preterm delivery and the ways in which it has changed/affected me.

Delivery Day

I woke up feeling great this morning. Dylan and I had breakfast together and did a crossword puzzle in the book that Stacie brought me. We were laughing and having a good time. It was an uneventful morning so far so Dylan decided at about 10am to run home, check on the dog, get some clothes, clean up, and then come back to the hospital. Shortly after he left, the day nurse came in and said, "have you eaten breakfast already." I had and told her so - just raisin bran and a piece of toast. I asked why - and she told me I was having a c-section in 20 minutes. 20 MINUTES!!!!! Holy cow. I started calling family - Dylan, Melody, my Dad, my Mom, and asked Dylan to call his Dad. They started prepping me for surgery - changed my IV fluids, shaved my belly and pubic area, inserted a catheter, and wheeled me into the c-section OR. I got onto the operating table and started getting prepared for anesthesia. They put the mask over my face and asked me to take 5-6 deep breaths. I did and by the fifth one I could smell the gas. The anesthesiologist asked me if I was getting sleepy - I said, "yessssssssss" and was out. I woke up in recovery with reflux pain and asked for bicitra. The nurse gave me hot packs and the PCA (patient controlled analgesia) button. I hit that a few times and got a nice shot of pain meds - but had to wait for the bicitra for the pain to go away. I snoozed on and off while there and waited for my room to become ready. Mel, my Mom, Dylan, my Dad and Justin, and others came to visit me. They wheeled me in to see Aidan, but I was so groggy and couldn't remember much. They took me again to see him before they wheeled me up to my room on the 8th floor. I touched his feet and watched him - he looked so small and vulnerable.

I got up to my room and slept a little while, then Dylan got comfy on the pull out bed and slept there overnight too. I had some jello and juice and slept on and off through the night.

T minus 1 day and counting...

Friday morning...
I woke up after much unrestful sleep and had my blood drawn and had some breakfast. Not much going on this morning - just waiting more and more waiting. My father-in-law came and visited for awhile which was so nice. We chatted for awhile, and then he went back to work. My dad came up for awhile, and my sister showed up after work. I started to get that reflux again and asked for some pain meds. I got a dose of Nubain, which made me super groggy and drowsy - and it wore off quickly. I got another dose and konked out for awhile. But again the pain came back. So I asked for something to make it go away. They gave me a protonix (acid reflux/GERD drug) and then some Bicitra - my happy medicine. It nutralizes all the acid in your stomach and finally made it all go away! But I was drugged and groggy all afternoon. During that time Dylan's Dad and Stepmom showed up, my sister stayed for awhile, my step sister Stacie showed up to visit and brought me a gift, and our friend Travis showed up for a little bit. Dylan came and stayed the night with me. I got my second shot of steroids and hoped for an uneventful night. The nurse came to draw my blood again and check levels of platelets and red blood cells. As this disease progresses, in addition to protein in my urine, high blood pressure, swelling, and elevated liver enzyme levels, you also get a break down of red blood cells and platelets which can be cause for alarm for internal bleeding. So they were keeping close tabs on me. We'll see what Saturday brings.

How Quickly Things Change

I took my urine and had my blood drawn yesterday with the test results being given to Dr. Hodges today for my appt. I showed up a few minutes early and drank my glucose for the 1hr glucose test for gestational diabetes. I got called into the office and weighed - 176 lbs - and pee'd in the cup. Jodi tested my urine and saw that there was a large amount of protein in it - a hallmark sign of preeclampsia. Then Dr. Hodges came in and asked Jodi to get my test results. We talked a little and she came back with the papers. Dr. Hodges looked at the papers and said, "oh, shit - it's HELLP Syndrome". Instantly I began to cry - knowing that this means we are in a bad spot. He asked if I was okay, and I said "No". He hugged me and cried and said he didn't want this for us - he was hoping it was all overkill to have me go through all these tests, but he was glad he did because we caught something very serious. I asked what was next, and he said I had to be admitted to the hospital. I cried more - this was really scary. He asked me what I was most worried about - I said, the baby, the house payment, the dog - everything. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. He sort of ran through things with me. He said he wanted to keep me pregnant for a couple of days to get steroids on board to help the baby's lungs - but otherwise I wasn't going to be pregnant for long. I asked him to call Dylan and tell him, since I didn't think I could talk on the phone. Dr. Hodges went and called Dylan and I sat there trying to come to terms with things. I was going to have this baby much sooner than I thought - was he going to be okay, would he live, what is his future like. I didn't even consider the fact that my life was in danger due to this illness. It didn't cross my mind.

Dr. Hodges came back and told me what would happen next. I would drive to St Lukes in Boise - go to the second floor and be admitted to labor and delivery. He would fax over orders for admission. Then he would see me in the morning to run blood tests and see how things were progressing. I was scared, but I drove myself to Boise, and got admitted. They did an admission exam and got me settled into Room 8. I called Dylan and let him know and he came to Boise to comfort me and be strong for me. They started me on Magnesium Sulfate to keep me from having seizures due to my high blood pressure, and gave me the first shot of steroids to help Aidan's lungs. They got him on monitors, and he looked great. I laid there wondering what the next few days would bring.

Trip To The ER

Last night Patty and Joe came over with their kids and we had dinner. Dylan met Joe for the first time and they talked computers for quite some time. A while after dinner I started getting pain in my stomach and heartburn feelings and a pain that shoots down my right shoulder to my elbow. It became really painful, similar to a pain I got on Wednesday the 8th at the craft club meeting at Patty's house. I couldn't get the pain go away and Dylan took me to the St Lukes ER in Meridian. I was writhing and crying the whole way there.

We got to the ER and they took my blood pressure - 166/99 - and sent me up to the labor and delivery floor. I was admitted there and put on monitors. The baby was fine, and they took a urine and blood sample. They did a general exam and saw that I had bad swelling, high blood pressure, and epigastric pain. The nurses called the on-call OB and he said if none of my blood or urine levels were out of normal range, then to send me home with an Ambien and tell me to sleep it off. I asked them to call my doctor - Dr. Hodges - but they said they couldn't. Dr. Hodges told me to call him anytime I went to the hospital.

Long story short... I went home to sleep it off and called The Woman's Clinic in the morning. Dr. Hodges doesn't work on Mondays - so I talked to Dr. Lowder - who told me to go take my blood pressure and call back and spend the day on bed rest to make sure that my bp didn't increase. My blood pressure was 142/94. I made an appt with Dr. Hodges for Tuesday morning. At the appointment he asked me to explain what was going on. I replayed the whole story and told him about the pain in my arm. He told me he hoped it was just high blood pressure and reflux, and gave me some reflux meds - but told me we needed to do tests to make sure it wasn't preeclampsia. He told Dylan and I what the best and worst case scenarios were - best being high bp and reflux - worst being HELLP Syndrome and giving birth in a few days. I took home stuff to do a 24 hour urine collection and was scheduled to see him on Thursday anyhow so I am going to take my urine in to St Lukes in Meridian tomorrow and have blood drawn. Until then I am on the couch with Willow.

More to come...

The swelling begins

So I thought I would make it through this pregnancy unscathed, but it turns out my circulation is turning against me. I am fine all day, walking around, teaching classes, sitting at desks, the whole bit - but by the evening, if I don't sit with my feet at the same level as my hips, or lay down with my feet elevated - I end up with Cankles! Where my ankles are not only as big as my calfs - but even mellon shaped, and my little toes swell up like sausages. It is horrible. I don't think Dylan believed me at first, but I pulled off my socks and showed him - and it was obvious that something was seriously out of shape.

Since my blood pressure is still very normal, there is nothing to worry about with the swelling/edema - but it hurts. I am considering trying some pregnancy compression stockings - something to help keep my fluids from pooling in my feet by the end of the day - how sexy can it get!!!!!

I will chat with the doctor about it on March 16th (my next appt) and see what he thinks!

25 weeks - Doctor Update

I went to the doctor yesterday - only gained 4 pounds - YAY! Things are going so smoothly, and Dr. Hodges is so great about making me feel good about how everything is going.

I had to wait about an hour past my appt time - but I found out why - there was a patient who came in, and they couldn't find her baby's heartbeat - they did an emergency ultrasound and found everything to be okay - but it put the whole schedule behind. I didn't mind waiting one bit - because if the same thing happened to us - I would want them to do whatever it took to make sure everything was okay!

I talked to the Dr. about my trip to Washington DC, and he said it would be no problem, just to take a baby asprin the day before and day of travel to avoid blood clots - no problem! We listened to the baby's heartbeat - still in the 150's and measured my belly - we are measuring exactly 25 weeks!!! Everything is great!

I get to do my glucose test next appt, and get a shot of Rhogam, so I don't develop antibodies to Rh factor, since I am Rh negative. Should be fun!

Thats all for now!

Aidan is getting STRONG

Dylan and I were laying in bed this morning, and all of a sudden, I felt Aidan KICK me. Not just the little tumbling and flutters I have felt before- but a true kick. I had Dylan hold his hand on my tummy - but he didn't feel it - so I laid his hand on the bed, and laid on my belly on his hand - then he could feel it. It is amazing to know that our little boy is in there growing bigger and stronger every day! Can't wait to meet him!

Finished the Ultrasound

I went in yesterday at 8am and finished my fetal survey ultrasound, the baby cooperated a bit better, and we got to see the cord, cord insertion point on the placenta, and the spine and spinal cord. I also got a much clearer picture of the fact that the baby is a boy! So Aidan was good. I have another cute picture of him that I will post, sucking his thumb.

I have a lot more movement going on now - it is amazing - I can feel that little one moving around inside me. He is getting stronger, hopefully Dylan will be able to feel him soon too!

My latest appointment

I went to see Dr. Hodges on Wednesday - just another routine appointment - I thought, come to find out I have gained almost 9 pounds since I saw him last. HOLY CRAP. He is so good about putting things in perspective, like the fact that I had only gained 5 since the beginning of the pregnancy, and this still is right on track, and that I am at the gestational stage where I will gain the most weight. He told me that as long as I plan to breast feed that I shouldn't worry too much, just so long as I am eating healthy and not just junk. Now that is where I get into trouble - I have been BAD lately, and I can certainly tell!

Anyhow, otherwise everything is fine. He said, "you are growing a good one," when I asked him how the ultrasound pictures looked. He said there were no abnormalities, nothing that looked like a soft sign for Down's, that everything in his opinion was perfect. He said he walks a fine line because he can't gaurantee anything until that baby is in his hands, but as a friend he said, you have nothing to worry about. So that made me feel great. The ultrasound tech said the same thing, and from what I saw on the ultrasound and what I know about what we should expect to see - all is well. While we don't start officially measuring my fundal height until the next appointment, he measured anyway and said everything is right on. He also checked the heartbeat - and it was amazing how strong it sounded, about 145-150 - so right where it has been each time!

Our little bean is sprouting into a little baby boy - I can't wait to hold him in my arms. While I realize I am only four and a half months away from having this little one, it was scary to hear the doctor say that if I went into labor in four months, he wouldn't try to stop my labor. Holy cow - I have a ton to do between now and then - I can't be having a baby yet. Stay put little one, I will let you know when I am ready!!!!!

The comparison - Prepregnancy vs 19 weeks

Initially I wanted my picture to be taken every few weeks to note the changes in my body as the baby grew - but as the baby grew and before I really had a belly, I just felt FAT. So rather than taking pictures, I kept finding ways to put it off. Not only that, but I thought I looked HUGE in the prepregnancy pictures we took too - so I sure didn't want those visible for anyone to see. But now, I am realizing that I wasn't fat to begin with, and even though my body is changing, I really don't mind the changes. First, my face has "filled out" and gotten much plumper. Second, my belly is just starting to expand. Third, my boobs are HUGE (and I love that). So life is good. Dylan took these pictures, and I think they are fun. I will continue to take them every few weeks and the changes continue to amaze me.

Prepregnancy:





19 weeks:

It's a BOY - or so they tell us!

Today was our big half-way ultrasound, where they assess and measure all the anatomical features, look for soft signs of Down Syndrome, and just check the overall well being of our baby. It is also the day that we were desperately hoping to find out the sex of the little one!

So it all started out normal - they were late getting us back there. And I had to show up with a bladder full of 20 oz of water. Then the ultrasound tech checked the length of my cervix - 4.4cm and said it looked great - closed up nice and tight! So off to the bathroom I went. I came back much more comfortable, and settled in for the long haul. Dylan was by my side watching the monitor the tech was looking at and I was watching the TV mounted on the wall. She located the baby and checked the direction it was laying, transverse - with its head on my left side, and its bottom on my right side - not perfect but workable. So she measured the placenta and checked its location - all looked good. Then she checked the thickness of the uterine wall, good as well. Then she began looking at and measuring the baby. Checked the brain for formation, the lips and nose for cleft lip or palate, and the hands and feet to make sure they were complete. We got to see the baby's bladder (with pee in it), the stomach, kidneys, and the heart. The heart was the coolest - you could watch the valves as the blood went through the heart. She checked the pulmonary veins/arteries and the aorta. Then she measured the skull, the femur, and the abdomen. She told us that the baby was measuring 21 weeks and 2 days - and we thought we were 20 weeks and 5 days - so it was pretty close, not enough to change the due date at all. Then she tried finding the genitalia. This was a little tough as the baby was laying with its legs crossed, but she jiggled my belly for a little while and got enough of an angle to see that it was a baby BOY!!!! Dylan was so sweet - he saw the screen, saw his baby boy, and looked at me and said in the sweetest voice, "it's a boy" and kissed me - we are both so happy!

So Aidan Lorenzo Bruesch put on a good show of sleeping through his first indepth prenatal exam - and I am sure hoping he keeps up the sleeping after he is born - will make for a nice transition.

All is well, and we are excited to let everyone know that we are having our baby boy!!!!

Here are a couple of pictures - we didn't get a ton - mainly because the little stinker wouldn't move much for better angles:
We have a profile shot and a cute picture of his foot.

Okay, it is movement - I am certain!

I have been feeling a little bit of tightening in my belly, every once in awhile I will get a tightening in a certain spot in my uterus and was wondering if it was BH contractions - but I am pretty certain it is the baby turning. And then just the other day, I was driving and I felt a little flutter like you read about. It was just two little pushes on my left side, and then a moment later, two more- but I am sure it was the baby. While I haven't felt any big movements or forceful kicks - I know that the little one is moving!

We are just a couple of days away from our big ultrasound - we will be almost 21 weeks then, and we are so excited - I am hopefully we can find out the sex. We have the baby room pretty well put together, and it would be nice to put a name plaque on the door or something to signify whose room it is!!!!

I will keep you updated!

Ultrasound - No Results :-(

Well, we had our ultrasound today. We saw that beautiful little being that is growing inside me, however, he/she was laying there so comfortably, and wouldn't move for anything - so we were unable to find out the sex of the baby - so again we wait.

We did see the baby sucking its thumb, kicking and punching, and being totally cute - but no leg spreading at all.

Everything else looks great - form and function. Dr. Hodges said we were, "growing a good one."

Since we really want to know the sex, I asked Dr. Hodges about the big ultrasound - and the fact that it was in just two weeks - and he said if we really want to find out, then we should wait until at least 20 weeks - and to reschedule. So we rescheduled for Friday, January 13th. Dylan is certain that this means it will be a girl, since we want a boy so much. But either way - we are so excited to see the little one, and know if it is Aidan or Olivia! We will keep you updated!!!!

3rd Prenatal Appt

Well, today was less eventful than we were hoping. The morning started out with huge amounts of snow dumping on Boise and Meridian - followed by Dylan having to drive the car, without snow tires on, into Meridian to work. We had an OB appointment scheduled for 10:30 at the Meridian St Lukes location, so we could see the baby without an ultrasound appointment. I left the house early so that I could make it in plenty of time, what with the bad weather and roads. I made it there about 40 minutes early, and checked in anyhow. Then I called and left Dylan messages on his cell phone and office phone. Well, about 5 minutes later, Jodi called me back. Dylan wasn't there yet - so I was pretty bummed. I got on the scale (moo), and I pee'd on the stick again, and came into the room. Jodi told me that she was unable to perform the ultrasound, that only the doctor could do that and that he was in an emergency surgery - so we were out of luck. I was so bummed since we were hoping to find out the sex - but as it turns out, we are pretty early, and that what they saw today could simply be the precursor to genitals in a couple of weeks - so we scheduled another appointment for Dec 15th, when we have a doctor-only appointment and he will perform the ultrasound. I can't wait to find out if we are having Aidan or Olivia!!!!! I heard the heartbeat - about 160 bpm, and asked about my weight gain. I have gained just 4 pounds - and considering how fat I feel, it seems like not very much. Jodi and I talked about appropriate weight gain at this point, and I am right on track.

Just two weeks after our next appointment, on Dec 27th we have the big ultrasound for the anatomy check and all. They will spend about 30-45 minutes checking out the baby, and will video tape it for us. So that will be an exciting appointment. Then, just two months later - I will begin going to prenatal appointments every two weeks. I can't believe we are almost half way through this pregnancy!!!!!! I can't believe we will have a baby so soon!

Until

Our Second Prenatal Appointment

Today was our second prenatal appointment. It was a pretty good one since we got to hear the heartbeat with a doppler. Pretty uneventful appt, since I am a low-risk pregnancy. I pee'd on a stick, then waited for the doc. He came in and chatted with us, and I told him my fear about not being able to hear the heartbeat - and he assured me that if he couldn't find it with the doppler, then we would give us an ultrasound to assure us that the baby was fine - but there was no problem finding the heartbeat - and it was perfect - strong and steady! Then he let us listen to my heartbeat - and you could hear the difference, mine was slow and relaxed, the baby's was fast and urgent - so amazing! It is such a great feeling to know that the little one is in there just growing and changing and developing day by day. Our next appt is scheduled for Dec 1st, in the Meridian location - so that we can get another ultrasound without paying for it - they have a machine in the room, and will just do one for you with out charge - which is sooooo nice. I am looking forward to hopefully finding out if we are having a girl or a boy - I know I will be super excited either way. The Chinese calendar says we are having a girl, we have heard mixed reviews from friends - about whether the morning sickness was heavy or light - and how that indicated one sex over the other - but of course they all contradict. One was sick with the boy, not with the girl, one was sick with the girl, not with the boy - and so on - so who knows!

Anyhow, things are progressing nicely - we are 10 weeks along, 1/4 of the way through - crazy to think. At our next appt, we will be 14 weeks - officially in the second trimester! I can't wait for May!

I could have puked

Wow, this morning was the first morning where I actually thought I could have vommited, but I didn't get up, I just layed in bed and waited it out.

Okay, so I lied

I thought I would get through the first trimester without much morning sickness, but turns out I was wrong. Not that I have been severely crippled by the morning sickness, but some mornings I have a hard time getting out of bed, and some evenings I don't want to do anything but lay around. I don't really have an aversion to any specific foods - just a general sense of illness and nausea in my tummy. I am making it through, and hopefully I can get Dylan to cook a few meals if I need - but we are about 6 weeks away from the 2nd trimester - so I think I will make it.