Obsession

My husband would tell you that I am obsessed with pregnancy - with normal pregnancies, with premature birth, with babies who made it into this world in a way different than our son. I was loathed to admit it - but I think I am obsessed.

There is this magnetism present any time I find a blog online about a woman who had HELLP, a woman who is pregnant after difficulties and is having a healthy pregnancy, babies who were born early and are doing well. I think it is my way of finding hope; hope that I can do it again, be healthy, give birth rather than finding out that I had a baby after the fact, and not spend time in the NICU.

Our son is an amazing miracle - and only gets better with every day. But I worry - I wonder - is it fair to chance another preemie, with lung issues that results in health issues for the rest of their life? Is it fair to ask my husband and son to risk so much for a brother or sister - risk their wife, their mother? Do I want another baby or another pregnancy? Do I really think that I can have a 'normal' pregnancy? I think that after everything that happened, I would be lying if I said that I thought I could get pregnant and not worry about every twinge, every pain, anything that might indicate I was getting sick again. And yet - I still have to try - I want that opportunity - I want Aidan to have a sibling - I want our family to grow.

I see my OB in April, and will start the discussion of what needs to be done before we think about conceiving - when I start the aspirin and heparin etc. I will be interested to know what his thoughts and feelings are on another pregnancy - but I feel confident - I have to - and I am hopeful that things will be in our favor.